Wednesday, April 28, 2010

, "How ya doin'?,"and Life is a Circle,of Home,Real World

pastel by marguerita


(original previously used for Ariel Dorfman's book cover in 1985,published by Viking.)
The eyes of my Husband and my feelings for my Husband)


So, Tuesday I had to go to Court.
AGAIN.
My landlord, a very good man, I really put myself in his shoes,lost his patience.Our rent is in default since last September.

My husband , decided to leave me ,out in the blue.or rather in the dark.
He decided Rambo style, that he the whinging dude,
here in his own words in an e-mail to me:

"Stay out of my way or no possibility for us.
I NEED my own self.

Destructive or not. My choice.

If not live your life alone.

I do miss you but will not continue this way.

And the shit about my family, aquaintances, friend?? Real or

kiss/kiss. My world, my choice my way or the highway!!!!


I will stay away."I am working on getting business and it looks promising. Within

several months I will have $ again.


You will not be homeless. But you

have to understand my perspective and being away for now. But I know

you will not understand so????


???????? Says me.



Thus here I stand , after 25 years devoting myself to him,my

HUSBAND,and our sons ,

like a discarded Coca Cola can.

As much as my Husband drove me mad, as he would not respond to my cries for affection, tenderness, or care for me,to spend time with me,I loved the man.He was and is bad to me. I wonder many times,why in hell I give him my heart and soul,and he takes it all for granted.My Sin.Mea Culpa.
In an odd way he become my muse.I draw him,paint him,like Pierre Bonnard painted his wife, or Degas and many artists, take photos of him make collages, since the day I met him.
He has an irregular body, fleshy ,and maybe I as an artist, I see ,what others cannot.
I am also very forgiving.
His imperfections somehow inspired me.No,I am not a masochist.
Never was.
Maybe Love is really Blind.

In Court,the play takes an incredible turn.At one point, I
had lost it with the landlords lawyer ,who was aggressive and intimidating me. He was telling me that the "Marshall was coming and putting me in the street!"
My Husband standing there like a stranger.A Madame Tussaud character.
I screamed at the lawyer , I yelled : my parents were Holocaust survivors.
It flashed out from me ,jetted out from the pain and fear I feel.

An the incredible moment.
The lawyer froze and cracked up. He tells me that his mother was an Auchwitz survivor,still alive, his father not alive was in Mathausen. so he said," We are brothers my mother and yours both in Auschwitz!
I must help you. How can I go against you,even that my client is your landlord.I understand you.Nobody here ,more than I."
The andlord was always good to me. of course he was in his own right going mad for being ignored by my Husband,rand banging on the door. I always liked him,
He himself told the judge that he likes me as a tenant. the problem was the unpaid rent.
I on my own, for a long period of time have not had an income,besides that in truth my priorities were my family,the only one I thought and believed I have.
My landlord, himself,
only wishes my Husband to behave as a good Husband, take care of me.After all, I have no family alive,and my Husband ,my Husband should be there for me.
Despite the fact,that my Husband should be my friend,companion,lover ,provider and mostly a supporter to share Life together, I on my own ,am looking to continue on my path, with my creative capacities.

In the meantime, I am here a la Waiting for Godot.....my Home Sweet Home, oh yeah....
The rent is still not paid.
There is another Court date,on May 4th.

from Waiting for Godot:ESTRAGON:
(feebly). Help me!
VLADIMIR:
It hurts?
ESTRAGON:
(angrily). Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!
VLADIMIR:
(angrily). No one ever suffers but you. I don't count. I'd like to hear what you'd say if you had what I have.
ESTRAGON:
It hurts?
VLADIMIR:
(angrily). Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!
ESTRAGON:
(pointing). You might button it all the same.
VLADIMIR:
(stooping). True. (He buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life.
ESTRAGON:
What do you expect, you always wait till the last moment.




I am sure a door will open,

as I, already passed through the Gates of Hell,ha!
Amen.





1 comment:

Niku said...

Hello, I hope your problems are solved. You have got a very rich inner life -- this is what I someday hope to have myself!