Interior Monologue: Shavuot and to the Man that I love

artbox and photos by marguerita

You will mock me,call me drama queen and whatever.

Mark, you were all my family. I lost my father and mother . We were also lost,being the remnants that survived the Holocaust.

You and most American Jews cannot get it. It is a unique sentiment, a detached sensation,in search of a port, of a shell to hide.

I was born in 1950, unexpectedly, a surprise, to two wonderful individuals, uprooted,who could never adapt themselves to the

world after losing all.

Both belonged to the European Jewish elite.

I watched them since I was small, I was always alone, because both of them, as much as they loved me, were lost themselves, living in their minds, with the values and beliefs of their ancestors. A kind of purity that could not be exercised anymore.

And so I was taught.

I had to fend for myself and for them. I loved them as much as I at times would revolt.

But I had compassion. I understood their beings.

What they endured.

The real life, reality at its most.

Nothing more horrible then being in a concentration camp,or in a gulag.

Of being butchered alive, witnessing murder and Death daily.

Innocently.

The numbers tattoed on their arms.

The irony of Evil. Uncontrolled and exercised.

Music being played as the ones that tried to escape hanged when caught.

I do not have to read bout.

I watched my two parents.

They survived .

They were there like cattle running on luck

to make it alive.

They learned about Humanity.

They saw the variety of human character .

The homo sapiens.

Hollywood made a travesty of how humans can be evil.

Today, the unrest,the terrorism is only the consequences of Hitler's designs.

The unattainable Peace is a result of the millions of murdered souls, innocently removed from their homes, families and lives.

The Middle East fire is the result of a forced displacement and arrangements of convenience by greedy parties who ransacked and

played with human Rights and Nature.

Who more than I ,could be a voice of the innocent dead.

I carry in me the shadows and truth of the people that are buried within me.

My ancestors. i cannot remain silent and indifferent.

How can you, Mark understand me? Or even react to my life.

It is not a made up story.

I am a portrait of Hitler's and Co as my mother would tell me,when she saw and heard the Fuhrer's commands at his public speeches :The Nazi Party under Adolf Hitler came to power in Germany on January 30, 1933, ..... and they started banging houses: "Raus, raus, raus, Juden raus."radieren … ...

The Jews Must Be

Erased"!

How can anyone if not another Child of Holocaust, be able to convey the vision we carry?

It goes beyond compassion.

We look for the impossible,intangible

love.A Love that goes beyond the horizon,beyond the skies and Universe.

I took you and our sons to Poland, to Krakow, to maybe you all grasp my world.

To walk in Auschwitz, to find the traces and walk around the place that my mother lived and was taken away from and thrown into hell.

You, Mark never absorbed my reality.

I had seizures in Krakow.

It was an emotional reaction.

I imagined my mother, wondered what and how she would feel,had she been alive, to see her home, the building, where I was not allowed to enter.

Someone, strangers living there.

My mother never returning to the soil she was born..

IHow can you understand me?

My cries are not about things.

I wanted you to hold me in your arms.

You never were able to open the arms for me.

Marguerita

, "How ya doin'?,"and Life is a Circle,of Home,Real World

pastel by marguerita

(original previously used for Ariel Dorfman's book cover in 1985,published by Viking.)

The eyes of my Husband and my feelings for my Husband)

So, Tuesday I had to go to Court.

AGAIN.

My landlord, a very good man, I really put myself in his shoes,lost his patience.Our rent is in default since last September.

My husband , decided to leave me ,out in the blue.or rather in the dark.

He decided Rambo style, that he the whinging dude,

here in his own words in an e-mail to me:

"Stay out of my way or no possibility for us.

I NEED my own self.

Destructive or not. My choice.

If not live your life alone.

I do miss you but will not continue this way.

And the shit about my family, aquaintances, friend?? Real or

kiss/kiss. My world, my choice my way or the highway!!!!

I will stay away."I am working on getting business and it looks promising. Within

several months I will have $ again.

You will not be homeless. But you

have to understand my perspective and being away for now. But I know

you will not understand so????

???????? Says me.

Thus here I stand , after 25 years devoting myself to him,my

HUSBAND,and our sons ,

like a discarded Coca Cola can.

As much as my Husband drove me mad, as he would not respond to my cries for affection, tenderness, or care for me,to spend time with me,I loved the man.He was and is bad to me. I wonder many times,why in hell I give him my heart and soul,and he takes it all for granted.My Sin.Mea Culpa.

In an odd way he become my muse.I draw him,paint him,like Pierre Bonnard painted his wife, or Degas and many artists, take photos of him make collages, since the day I met him.

He has an irregular body, fleshy ,and maybe I as an artist, I see ,what others cannot.

I am also very forgiving.

His imperfections somehow inspired me.No,I am not a masochist.

Never was.

Maybe Love is really Blind.

In Court,the play takes an incredible turn.At one point, I

had lost it with the landlords lawyer ,who was aggressive and intimidating me. He was telling me that the "Marshall was coming and putting me in the street!"

My Husband standing there like a stranger.A Madame Tussaud character.

I screamed at the lawyer , I yelled : my parents were Holocaust survivors.

It flashed out from me ,jetted out from the pain and fear I feel.

An the incredible moment.

The lawyer froze and cracked up. He tells me that his mother was an Auchwitz survivor,still alive, his father not alive was in Mathausen. so he said," We are brothers my mother and yours both in Auschwitz!

I must help you. How can I go against you,even that my client is your landlord.I understand you.Nobody here ,more than I."

The andlord was always good to me. of course he was in his own right going mad for being ignored by my Husband,rand banging on the door. I always liked him,

He himself told the judge that he likes me as a tenant. the problem was the unpaid rent.

I on my own, for a long period of time have not had an income,besides that in truth my priorities were my family,the only one I thought and believed I have.

My landlord, himself,

only wishes my Husband to behave as a good Husband, take care of me.After all, I have no family alive,and my Husband ,my Husband should be there for me.

Despite the fact,that my Husband should be my friend,companion,lover ,provider and mostly a supporter to share Life together, I on my own ,am looking to continue on my path, with my creative capacities.

In the meantime, I am here a la Waiting for Godot.....my Home Sweet Home, oh yeah....

The rent is still not paid.

There is another Court date,on May 4th.

from Waiting for Godot:ESTRAGON:

(feebly). Help me!

VLADIMIR:

It hurts?

ESTRAGON:

(angrily). Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!

VLADIMIR:

(angrily). No one ever suffers but you. I don't count. I'd like to hear what you'd say if you had what I have.

ESTRAGON:

It hurts?

VLADIMIR:

(angrily). Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!

ESTRAGON:

(pointing). You might button it all the same.

VLADIMIR:

(stooping). True. (He buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life.

ESTRAGON:

What do you expect, you always wait till the last moment.

I am sure a door will open,

as I, already passed through the Gates of Hell,ha!

Amen.

Dear Mayor Bloomberg :I need you to readthis: MarkinSultan and Sheherazade

drawing by marguerita -I try to remember the things that make me fond of you, thats what brings me the emotion. But when you called, it was hard to talk and you immeadiately brought back the reasons why I have stayed away.

"But life comes once and never twice."

Critics point out that the stories in The Arabian Nights deal with

many fundamental questions about human life and experience.

They address universal concerns such as love, death, happiness, fate,

and immortality in a manner that transcends linguistic and cultural boundaries.

They also cover spiritual matters, exploring questions about how to live in a world that contains both good and evil, with these opposites represented by various characters, such as tyrannical and kind rulers, magicians and witches, good and bad demons, and so on. In addition, the stories also address matters such as the relationship between the sexes, the inevitability of human desire, and the quest for spiritual perfection.

The frame story of Scheherazade immediately introduces important themes of power, gender, justice, forgiveness, and the ability of art to transform beliefs and vanquish death.

Many of these themes are also developed in subsequent tales.

Dear Mayor Bloomberg:

I was abandoned, and now I am destitute andabout to be again homeless .

Please respond my call here.

I want to work,have the talent,need financial support and do not want to land in a shelter.! Thanks.

M

What is man? Questions and Answers....

drawing ( #9) by Marguerita from series Zyg and Mea

1. In our time, when day by day mankind is being drawn closer together, and the ties between different peoples are becoming stronger, the Church examines more closely her relationship to non-Christian religions. In her task of promoting unity and love among men, indeed among nations, she considers above all in this declaration what men have in common and what draws them to fellowship.

One is the community of all peoples, one their origin, for God made the whole human race to live over the face of the earth.(1) One also is their final goal, God. His providence, His manifestations of goodness, His saving design extend to all men,(2) until that time when the elect will be united in the Holy City, the city ablaze with the glory of God, where the nations will walk in His light.(3)

Men expect from the various religions answers to the unsolved riddles of the human condition, which today, even as in former times, deeply stir the hearts of men:

What is man?

What is the meaning, the aim of our life?

What is moral good, what sin?

Whence suffering and what purpose does it serve?

Which is the road to true happiness? What are death, judgment and retribution after death? What, finally, is that ultimate inexpressible mystery which encompasses our existence: whence do we come,

and where are we going?

Declaration on the Relation of the Church to non-christian religions - Nostra Aetate

Pope Calls Any Denial of Holocaust 'Intolerable' - NYTimes.com

Arbeit Macht Frei??????????????

collage and photo by marguerita-document about my mother
Memories of the incomprehensible horrors of the Holocaust are too strong to find any sense of closure. The act of remembering does, however, demand a search for a meaningful context to the world.Marc E. Agronin, geriatric psychiatrist

Uncovering Lost Path of the Most Wanted Nazi - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

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February 04, 2009 4:11 pm

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And I am still looking for the Nazi,who invaded my mother's apartment and building in Krakow,throwing her mother in law out the window,under my mother's eyes and sending my mother to Plaszow and Auschwitz and Ravensbrueck.
I feel that he is still alive.

— marguerita, New York
Recommend Recommended by 13 Readers

John Donne; Meditation XVII: NO MAN IS AN ISLAND

collage by marguerita

The world has been suffering from a darkness , unleashed upon us, by Hitler & Company,beyond Dante's Inferno's vision ..A malaise with no translation tore apart civilization and the respect of one human to another.
An educated and high cultured nation was able to invade ,loot and murder with no restraint .

.I live with some of the stories which I was able to extricate from my parents memories. My mother, a prisoner in Auschwitz, witnessed Josef Mengele tear the child of the arms of its mother, a recent arrival,throw the child against the wall, and then shoot the mother.

When one tried to escape, the guards ran after and caught the miserable soul and had an orchestra playing " J'Attendrai and other fashionable hits. How the III Reich commander of Transportation moved in to my mother's home and building in Krakow, forcing her out and pushing down four floors to the ground and Death, her 70 year old mother in law, then sending my mother to Plaszow, Auschwitz and Ravensbrueck.

My mother had a tattoo on her left arm: A-26.427.

A generous gift by Deutschland Uber Alles.

The world was an accomplice.An enabler of cruelty beyond words.
And today,since 1939, we all should gather and work for Peace and Harmony:Have this Dream and Pursue Life.

This famous meditation of Donne's puts forth two essential ideas which are representative of the Renaissance era in which it was written:

The idea that people are not isolated from one another, but that mankind is interconnected; and

The vivid awareness of mortality that seems a natural outgrowth of a time when death was the constant companion of life.

Donne brings these two themes together to affirm that any one man's death diminishes all of mankind, since all mankind is connected; yet that death itself is not so much to be feared as it at first seems. Join us in exploring these two main themes, which we have associated with the two controlling images of the meditation...the island and the bell.
No man is an island.."All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

They did it. They really did it. So often crudely caricatured by others, the American people yesterday stood in the eye of history and made an emphatic choice for change for themselves and the world.Rove's America was not just turned on its head yesterday. It was broken up and recast in a very different mould. One of Mr Obama's many achievements has been his refusal to accept the permanence of the blue-red divide.This marks the end of the conservative ascendancy of the past 30 years. Whether it now marks a new, sustained era of American liberalism of the sort which followed the election of 1932 must remain to be seen. What is not open to doubt is that Mr Obama's win is a milestone in America's racial and cultural evolution. It is 45 years since Martin Luther King, in the greatest of all late-20th century American speeches looked forward to the day when his children would not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character.
It is a day many thought they would never see. It is hard to know whether to weep or shout for joy now that it has arrived - probably both - but it is a lesson to the world.Mr Obama will take office in January amid massive unrealisable expectations and facing a daunting list of problems - the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the broken healthcare system, the spiralling federal budget and America's profligate energy regime all prominent among them. Eclipsing them all, as Mr Obama has made clear in recent days, is the challenge of rebuilding the economy and the banking system. These, though, are issues for another day. Today is for celebration, for happiness and for reflected human glory.Editorial: President Obama | Comment is free | The Guardian

Viva Obama: Together,Yes We Can!

drawing/ watercolor by marguerita
What a wonderful moment in all of our lives on this Earth. I feel on my skin and happy to witness the barrier of unjust prejudice of all kinds to finally face the inevitable.Being the daughter of Holocaust survivors,born in one country growing up in another ,from uprooted wonderful human beings,who were able to instill in me perseverance,hope and a conscience for social awareness,to believe in mankind even after the most horrible experience both my parents endured,both taught me that Life is about feelings,emotions,colors and hope. I myself, upon coming to America,as a self made person, recognized for my talent, internationally,only to be maligned and silenced by an evil character in New York City, causing me to be sidelined and hurt.
I am in tears and hopeful,that the corrupt vision that had permeated through and destroying America,in every level and aspect, for years and years,has reached its end. This part of the world was already centuries ago, a beacon of light. Kings .queens and thinkers trusted their inner beliefs that from here , there would be a source of spiritual energy to allow us all, to share the air,waters and Beauty of Existence.
With passion.
I can only paraphrase what I heard years ago from my dear principal in Brazil, Dona Soledade Santos,who for many years later in my life wrote to me: "Nao sejas pusilanime nas agruras da vida e nem exaltado nos momentos de prazer".Manter o equilibrio e saber viver.Nao se empolgue,pois, com os sucessos.Nao se abata, tambem, com criticas e insucessos. Tudo passa.Procure ser estavel.Voce assim, encontrara na vida, a verdadeira razao de ser. A vida e um eterno caminhar. Caminhe,caminhe,caminhe.minha filha. O que tera de ser seu,vira ao seu encontro."

The election of Mr. Obama amounted to a national catharsis — a repudiation of a historically unpopular Republican president and his economic and foreign policies, and an embrace of Mr. Obama’s call for a change in the direction and the tone of the country. But it was just as much a strikingly symbolic moment in the evolution of the nation’s fraught racial history, a breakthrough that would have seemed unthinkable just two years ago.The New York Times - Breaking News, World News & Multimedia